i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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