if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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