Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
