His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
