yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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