where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
