I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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