The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
