All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I enjoy the company of your penis
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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