I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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