he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
