Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
