My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
