My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My vagina just recognized that song.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
