Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
