I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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