Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
