if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
