My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
