the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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