I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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