so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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