The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Such a big mess for such a small penis
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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