I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
