Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
PANTIES FOUND
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