I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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