I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
