I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
