if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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