so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
