we have pet lesbian snakes
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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