Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
