my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
