if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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