I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
