I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
