How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
