Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
