so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
