My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is Oprah even human
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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