Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
