First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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