If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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