So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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