Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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