Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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