I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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