she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
