Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
