Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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