Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
