wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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